Today for the first time since he passed I visited the beach where Jhonny and I exchanged our vows. I could feel the intensity building all morning. My dear friend Laura drove me to Mission Beach and walked with me until we reached the sand. I felt myself go from being fully engaged in our conversation to going into another state of consciousness. As I stepped on the sand I felt myself entering sacred space, a temple to Divine Love. Tears and sobs poured out of me as I walked to the water. I felt these had been pent up for some time in anticipation of the safety of this moment. I remember watching and listening to the waves. Then I felt the water wash over my feet and I let the ocean cleanse me as I cried for a while longer. Feeling the call to dance I put on my headphones and put my music on shuffle. The first song to play was from our honeymoon "Big Jet Plane" by Angus and Julia Stone. I hadn't danced in a few weeks and I felt the rigidity of this pent up emotion stifle my movement. The second song to play was from our wedding and it was our song for each other, "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes. I felt the beat pull me deeper into my body. By the time I reached the third song "Still Breathing" by Dig the Kid, appropriately from the Point Break soundtrack, my body was dialed in with the emotions pulsing through me.
Emotion = e-motion = energy in motion
Darkness, grief, sadness, despair, anger were made lighter, transmuted by giving them a way to be expressed. I felt his joy and pride watching me do what makes me feel so alive- dance with the ocean, dance with the earth, dance with the wind and sky. Then just like on our wedding day the sky changed from cloudy and gray. The sun broke through the clouds in a way that could not have been more harmonic and there I was, blessed by the Universe, anointed by the ocean, wrapped in the arms of love; always in remembrance and reverence of him and our love and inspired to live this love out in the world. It is moments like these that bring me back to life.
All images by Laura Costa